Brain Freeze

His IQ’s in the Cone Now

Live from the White House Lawn – 3:32 PM EST

BYRNE (clears throat, grips podium like it’s a life raft):

“Hello America.
Let me start by saying the numbers are in, and I am proud—so proud—to announce that unemployment is currently at a heroic, inspiring, absolutely-not-fudged four-point-fun percent.”

(elite men behind him nod like Stepford husbands)

“Of course, if we count the folks who 'pivoted to passion projects in extended solitude,' plus the ones who became full-time NPCs in dating sims... we’re looking at more like 12 percent.
But look—don’t worry. They’re not jobless. They’re just vibe-employed.”

(crowd chuckles nervously, one news anchor gets an erection and doesn’t know why)

“Now, UBI. We’re proud to announce that every citizen will receive $1,500 monthly.
No strings attached! Haha—except for a few little… threadlets.”

(camera flash, offscreen glass shatters)

“Your fridge will report emotional snacking, Siri will flag sarcasm, and if you frown during the anthem, we’ll auto-transfer your balance into a V-Buck raffle.”

(coughs)

“You’ll own nothing, you’ll be happy, and you'll receive a weekly surprise egg filled with gender-fluid flavor dust and three NFTs of my smile.”

(long pause)
A faint… jingle.
Childlike. Impossible. Coming from nowhere.

BYRNE (sniffing, shaken):

“...Who authorized baked air to smell like... dessert propaganda?”

ZOOM IN ON HIS EYES.

They dilate like a cat spotting a nipple tassel in infrared.
PAPERS FLY.
He leaps like a stag on meth over the podium into a perfect Naruto sprint across the lawn.
One bodyguard trips. Another sobs.

Camera pans with him—
There it is: the Cherom Pink Ice Cream Van, spinning in slow motion, glistening like a radioactive Lisa Frank sticker.

"H̷e̷ ̷i̷s̷ ̷s̷e̷e̷n̷.̷ ̷T̷h̷e̷ ̷t̷r̷a̷n̷s̷m̷i̷s̷s̷i̷o̷n̷ ̷b̷e̷g̷i̷n̷s̷."

BYRNE (screaming joyfully):

“I WANNA LICK THE FUTURE!!”

SMASH CUT:
Elite men blink in unison.
One drops his earpiece.
The crowd starts dancing.
An old lady twerks.
A pastor throws glitter.
A bald agent vomits sparkles.
CNN cuts to commercial.

ANNOUNCER VOICE (calm, soft):

“Brought to you by Cherom Pink™—softening democracy since 2025.”

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